Conflict Without Contention With an Intimate?
Is it possible to be in conflict with an intimate without contention? Especially when the stakes are high, and one cannot just walk away?
It may be helpful to begin with trying to figure out why the stakes are high. As I understand compassion to be constitutive of the simultaneous activation of courage (heart), wisdom (mind), and power (hand) – without all three virtues acting in concert, it may be more appropriate to term what one feels as 'sympathy' or 'empathy' – intimacy intensifies heart sensations, which then clouds the perceptual lens of wisdom, which then quickens the hand of power.
This is so because we are so inexplicably entrained with those we are intimate with such that we truly feel their pain as if it is our own. And because we cannot "walk away" from ourselves (though it seems we can very well hide from ourselves), the urgency to resolve the pain in our own being becomes an urgent endeavour. Whereas with those we are less intimate with, it is possible for us to park their pain far away outside the chambers of our innermost being.
Which is why the path of compassion for others begins at the hearth of our heart essence. Transforming pain is not quite the same thing as "solutioning" pain, and if we know not how to transform our own pain, I don't believe we are able to help others with theirs. Perhaps transforming pain may be likened to using the “shit” in our lives as fertiliser to grow a garden of plentiful beauty and harvest, whereas solutioning pain may be closer to flushing it down the toilet.
Another reason why maybe because being in conflict with an intimate requires us to reckon deeply with parts of ourselves we would rather not acknowledge exists. This is where the practice of self-compassion comes in.
Therefore, as regards conflict with one’s intimate, I believe it is possible for contention to be absent if one regards conflict as arising because parties to the conflict are unaware, and therefore unable to articulate, the unfulfilled needs that are at the root of the felt pain. This perceptual framing of conflict transforms moments of conflict into moments of being invited to creatively explore how to fulfill everyone's needs, and to contribute to one another's well-being.
For need is to the flourishing of the soul, as food is to the flourishing of the body.
There is however one additional roadblock that often stands in the way upon which contention feeds, and that is, expectation. Often, we have expectations of ‘shoulds’ that we impose upon our intimates that we do not have of those we are less intimate with, e.g. “he should know by now …”, or “if she loves me, she should …”, or “I’ve given so much in this relationship, and s/he should be …”
What can be done with this roadblock?
For me, it begins with not trying to “remove” it because it feels like I’m just relocating the roadblock to some other place in my consciousness which means I may stumble over it again at some later point. It’s helpful for me to imagine trying to transform the roadblock into something that could advance my intention, and so I like to think about learning to transform the expectations into a request that invites the other to willingly contribute to my well-being.
The trick though is to make a judgment free request, and it begins with one’s full acceptance that the other person has every right to say “no”. Should that happen, here’s what I do, in this order:
Once I feel I have some semblance of equanimity, I make eye contact with the other person, and ask some version of the following questions:
Note that this approach is not necessarily about arriving at a "solution". Instead, it's about creating a safe container to engage in the difficult journey of helping each other discover our own truths, and to truly be present to both, ourselves and the other. To be listened to and seen in this way illuminates the path home to our deepest knowing. And there resides that which is true.
Is it possible to be in conflict with an intimate without contention? Especially when the stakes are high, and one cannot just walk away?
It may be helpful to begin with trying to figure out why the stakes are high. As I understand compassion to be constitutive of the simultaneous activation of courage (heart), wisdom (mind), and power (hand) – without all three virtues acting in concert, it may be more appropriate to term what one feels as 'sympathy' or 'empathy' – intimacy intensifies heart sensations, which then clouds the perceptual lens of wisdom, which then quickens the hand of power.
This is so because we are so inexplicably entrained with those we are intimate with such that we truly feel their pain as if it is our own. And because we cannot "walk away" from ourselves (though it seems we can very well hide from ourselves), the urgency to resolve the pain in our own being becomes an urgent endeavour. Whereas with those we are less intimate with, it is possible for us to park their pain far away outside the chambers of our innermost being.
Which is why the path of compassion for others begins at the hearth of our heart essence. Transforming pain is not quite the same thing as "solutioning" pain, and if we know not how to transform our own pain, I don't believe we are able to help others with theirs. Perhaps transforming pain may be likened to using the “shit” in our lives as fertiliser to grow a garden of plentiful beauty and harvest, whereas solutioning pain may be closer to flushing it down the toilet.
Another reason why maybe because being in conflict with an intimate requires us to reckon deeply with parts of ourselves we would rather not acknowledge exists. This is where the practice of self-compassion comes in.
Therefore, as regards conflict with one’s intimate, I believe it is possible for contention to be absent if one regards conflict as arising because parties to the conflict are unaware, and therefore unable to articulate, the unfulfilled needs that are at the root of the felt pain. This perceptual framing of conflict transforms moments of conflict into moments of being invited to creatively explore how to fulfill everyone's needs, and to contribute to one another's well-being.
For need is to the flourishing of the soul, as food is to the flourishing of the body.
There is however one additional roadblock that often stands in the way upon which contention feeds, and that is, expectation. Often, we have expectations of ‘shoulds’ that we impose upon our intimates that we do not have of those we are less intimate with, e.g. “he should know by now …”, or “if she loves me, she should …”, or “I’ve given so much in this relationship, and s/he should be …”
What can be done with this roadblock?
For me, it begins with not trying to “remove” it because it feels like I’m just relocating the roadblock to some other place in my consciousness which means I may stumble over it again at some later point. It’s helpful for me to imagine trying to transform the roadblock into something that could advance my intention, and so I like to think about learning to transform the expectations into a request that invites the other to willingly contribute to my well-being.
The trick though is to make a judgment free request, and it begins with one’s full acceptance that the other person has every right to say “no”. Should that happen, here’s what I do, in this order:
- Momentarily close my eyes so I can get centered, i.e. I’m not getting even more triggered by looking at the other person
- Slow deep breaths (plural)
- Relax my jaw
- Embrace the emotion that arises within me, and name it if I can (but remember, it’s not about getting the vocabulary right)
- Allow myself to fall as far into the emotions as possible, don’t rush it
Once I feel I have some semblance of equanimity, I make eye contact with the other person, and ask some version of the following questions:
- “May I understand why you said no?”
- “Is there anything else you would be willing to try in order to meet my need for (intimacy)?”
- “Is there another way to phrase the request such that you would be willing to say yes?”
Note that this approach is not necessarily about arriving at a "solution". Instead, it's about creating a safe container to engage in the difficult journey of helping each other discover our own truths, and to truly be present to both, ourselves and the other. To be listened to and seen in this way illuminates the path home to our deepest knowing. And there resides that which is true.